I hope all of you beautiful souls had a wonderful start into the new year. As you may know, I’m on rehab since the day after Christmas and while I was allowed home for new year’s and spent a wonderful time with my girlfriend, I am since stuck here and will be for weeks. My plans as to what and how much I plan to share with you has changed twice since. First I wanted to give daily updates, and  already prepared a few things.  Then, after speaking with some people, I thought it’s better to take an hiatus; but now, after reflecting, I know what I really want to do. I wanna share a few very personal things about my current thoughts in this very post and then I’ll just release what I already wrote or what I will write whenever I feel like it. And I also decided to write with the intention of just writing for myself and only then decide, if and what I’ll share with you.

So, what are those personal things I want to share I hear people thinking: Well no point trying to stall, so I’ll just spill it. I realized how much of my toxic personality traits from my pre transition life that I thought I had already left behind me completely were (and probably still are) still within me. I know I’ve been a miserable bad person before my coming out and ever since that moment, I strived to leave that behind me and become a better person. And I thought I had come very far and left it all behind me. But alas, it has always been present, lurking under the surface and I see now that every time I felt bad or rejected or treated badly, it tried to creep out and I took it out on people, mostly people close to me. And I regret it. So much. I hurt people dear to me and didn’t even realize it. And what scares me most: It has become worse again over time. I see that now and I am already trying to apologize and make amends, but nothing can change the damage that I have caused.

So what did I actually did and why? I won’t go into details, as that is a private matter. But I used a whole arsenal of psychological and manipulative weapons to gaslight people and make them feel bad. In the end of my relationship with Liara, I escalated so bad, that I drove her into a nervous breakdown. Yes that sounds horrible. And it was. I did horrible things. Was totally unhinged and in blind rage. And I deeply regret it and feel ashamed. As to why, according to my mental health professionals, it all comes from my deep internalized self hate and my complex ptsd. I hated myself so much my entire life and always projected that hate onto other people. That means, if someone started to like me or anything good happened to me, I subconsciously started sabotaging it because I couldn’t accept it because deep down I felt I had not earned these good things or persons. I was so convinced that I was unworthy of any love or affection that I always tried to push away people who showed it to me. I used narcissitic methods and gaslighting and manipulation to make them feel bad and push them away. And if they stuck with me, it got worse. I guess I couldn’t understand why they stayed and lost respect for them because of it. My worst victim was Kathi, who suffered under me for years. And yes, Liara suffered too. She even tried to fight back or to get through to me but ultimately she didn’t manage that and it all blew up in a huge explosion.

I only realized it, when my new girlfriend, (her name is Lisa btw) saw the same signs already in the beginning of our relationship. She did what Liara didn’t manage. She actually reached me so deeply, that I finally started to realize and see what I had done and why. So now, I can finally start to actually make progress and start leaving my toxic sides behind. It is gonna be a long and rocky road, but I already managed to take the first steps. I honestly apologized to Lisa and also to Liara and admitted what I had done. Writing this very post here is also a step.

But many steps still lie before me.  According to my mental health professionals, I must not (only) seek redemption and forgiveness from the people I’ve hurt, but I must also learn to accept my mistakes and forgive myself for them. And not hate myself for these past mistakes. Because if I hate myself again, I’m back to where I started and the whole vicious cycle will begin again, and I will keep spiraling downwards and back to my past self. Not gonna lie, this step looks most daunting for me. I notice how I feel broken and wanna hate myself for what I did. But I must not and will not give in to those feelings. I finally wanna heal and move on. Leave the trauma-induced self hate and feeling of unworthiness behind me, because only then there is no more danger of me projecting that self hate on others and I can be finally able to permanently be happy and accept love and affection that I receive and also give it back in return without any toxic traits or narcisstic behavior. 

I will do that. I will heal and finally become the better person I thought I already had become. So please, stay with me, and accompany me on my further journey.

Liara, Kathi, Lisa and all the others who have been my victims, I am truly and deeply sorry for what I did and I promise that this time, I will make it and heal. For all of you. But most importantly for myself.