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My past

Let me tell you a bit about my past, so you can get to know the person behind the face. Be careful though, some things I talk about might be triggering for some people. (TW: trauma, emotional neglect, mobbing, violence)

“It’s hard being a trans kid without even knowing”

I was born and raised in a very conservative environment on the outskirts of a mid sized town in Austria. I was assigned male at birth but kind of always “knew” I was in some way “different than the other boys” but I never knew what it was or why, but I always was an outsider, felt like I could not get in touch with any of my peers. Tried to fit in, tried to do all those things “boys do” and mimicked their behaviour. But still, I never belonged. I was bullied a lot and later even beaten up and never even knew why. Of course I was also an outsider in my family. I was an unwanted late child of parents who tried to buy themselves out of loving me by showering me with material things, but nevcer showed me any kind of affection. I tried to get that affection by doing good at school, but the only effect it had, was that it was soon expected of me to always outperform others. But that was it. My whole childhood, I didn’t get a single hug from either of my parents.

When I grew up and became a teenager, I got better in “acting” and also got emotionally number and managed to seemingly blend in better and better, and after graduation I even found a girlfriend. But I still always felt “alien”. I still had no idea what it could be that caused this because the only thing teenagers in that time had the chance to know about trans persons came from movies and tv-shows who used them as sideshow-clowns, or even worse, came with some kind of fetish or sexual context (an evil prejudice, still used by haters even today). At one point, I just had settled with living a life that was ultimately unfulfilling and full of agony and self hate and thought, this is what it’s like for everyone and that the feeling of “well I don’t completely hate this person” was love. But I still got more and more numb and unresponding to positive things and started to take it out on my then wife (mentally, I never was physically violent)

“We all wear masks. Sometimes it becomes too hard for us to take it off”

By the time I was 30, I was so unhappy that I was ready to end my life (for the first time). The change started ironically in the form of an intern who was interested in me sexually and I eventually had an affair and divorced my wife. Of course, the affair ended very soon, and I entered a new phase of self-sabotaging behaviour, I tried to compensate my unhappiness with physical relationships. At that time I started to realize what “the problem” with me was for the first time and I questioned my gender identity. In hindsight, I can’t say how close I was to coming out back then, but it doesn’t matter, life had a different plan for me.

“There is always a way to move on, even if it’s hidden”

About a year later, I met my true savior. I truly fell in love for the first time in my life. I never knew such feelings were even possible. We got together, and since I was happy for the first time in my life, I was all to ready to flee back into the closet and into denial completely. The relationship went well for a few years, but eventually, the dysphoria and depression from not being able to be me and trying to fulfill a societal role I could not fulfil, aught up with me. I tried to deny it, tried to talk myself into thinking I had just a fetish, and lived it out in secret (wearing my partners clothes and makeup when she wasn’t home and such things) I tried to explain the happiness ant contentment I felt with that fetish, even though it never really aroused me. Just made me happy, felt right. But still it didn’t click. Eventually I ended up being toxic, depressed and suicidal again. I came more and more to the realization I had to decide between ending my existence or be true to who I am. I won’t lie, it was much closer than I wished it was, but thankfully I ultimately made the right decision.

My past

Let me tell you a bit about my past, so you can get to know the person behind the face. Be careful though, some things I talk about might be triggering for some people. (TW: trauma, emotional neglect, mobbing, violence)

“It’s hard being a trans kid without even knowing”

I was born and raised in a very conservative environment on the outskirts of a mid sized town in Austria. I was assigned male at birth but kind of always “knew” I was in some way “different than the other boys” but I never knew what it was or why, but I always was an outsider, felt like I could not get in touch with any of my peers. Tried to fit in, tried to do all those things “boys do” and mimicked their behaviour. But still, I never belonged. I was bullied a lot and later even beaten up and never even knew why. Of course I was also an outsider in my family. I was an unwanted late child of parents who tried to buy themselves out of loving me by showering me with material things, but nevcer showed me any kind of affection. I tried to get that affection by doing good at school, but the only effect it had, was that it was soon expected of me to always outperform others. But that was it. My whole childhood, I didn’t get a single hug from either of my parents.

When I grew up and became a teenager, I got better in “acting” and also got emotionally number and managed to seemingly blend in better and better, and after graduation I even found a girlfriend. But I still always felt “alien”. I still had no idea what it could be that caused this because the only thing teenagers in that time had the chance to know about trans persons came from movies and tv-shows who used them as sideshow-clowns, or even worse, came with some kind of fetish or sexual context (an evil prejudice, still used by haters even today). At one point, I just had settled with living a life that was ultimately unfulfilling and full of agony and self hate and thought, this is what it’s like for everyone and that the feeling of “well I don’t completely hate this person” was love. But I still got more and more numb and unresponding to positive things and started to take it out on my then wife (mentally, I never was physically violent)

“We all wear masks. Sometimes it becomes too hard for us to take it off”

By the time I was 30, I was so unhappy that I was ready to end my life (for the first time). The change started ironically in the form of an intern who was interested in me sexually and I eventually had an affair and divorced my wife. Of course, the affair ended very soon, and I entered a new phase of self-sabotaging behaviour, I tried to compensate my unhappiness with physical relationships. At that time I started to realize what “the problem” with me was for the first time and I questioned my gender identity. In hindsight, I can’t say how close I was to coming out back then, but it doesn’t matter, life had a different plan for me.

“There is always a way to move on, even if it’s hidden”

About a year later, I met my true savior. I truly fell in love for the first time in my life. I never knew such feelings were even possible. We got together, and since I was happy for the first time in my life, I was all to ready to flee back into the closet and into denial completely. The relationship went well for a few years, but eventually, the dysphoria and depression from not being able to be me and trying to fulfill a societal role I could not fulfil, aught up with me. I tried to deny it, tried to talk myself into thinking I had just a fetish, and lived it out in secret (wearing my partners clothes and makeup when she wasn’t home and such things) I tried to explain the happiness ant contentment I felt with that fetish, even though it never really aroused me. Just made me happy, felt right. But still it didn’t click. Eventually I ended up being toxic, depressed and suicidal again. I came more and more to the realization I had to decide between ending my existence or be true to who I am. I won’t lie, it was much closer than I wished it was, but thankfully I ultimately made the right decision.